Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
TIM ALLENDogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
TIM ALLENI think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
TIM ALLENWhile awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
TIM ALLENMan is the only animal to borrow tools.
TIM ALLENI do a lot of family shows.
TIM ALLENWomen now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
TIM ALLENWomen are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
TIM ALLENComedy is the ultimate anarchist.
TIM ALLENBut separate a man from his car – that’s inhuman.
TIM ALLENI am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.
TIM ALLENThey say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.
TIM ALLENBeing wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
TIM ALLENI was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It’s not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I’ll do it because it’s a moment that will stick with me forever.
TIM ALLENMen are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
TIM ALLENBoys can be disgusting. You can’t leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We’re just obnoxious.
TIM ALLENMy comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
TIM ALLEN