The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.
BILL MAHERIf Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?
More Bill Maher Quotes
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There is no debate here, just scientists and non-scientists. And since the subject is science, the non-scientists don’t get a vote.
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In this country your guilty until proven wealthy.
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If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.
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Here’s the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He’s never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He’s totally – he’s the white Kanye.
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Just honest. To me, being ‘politically incorrect’ means the opposite of being political — which means to spin everything. That’s all it’s ever meant to me. It’s never meant liberal or conservative. It means honest.
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The First Amendment was specifically designed for citizens to insult politicians. Libel laws were written to protect law students speaking out on political issues from getting called whores by Oxycontin addicts.
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We don’t really have to make fun of religion – it makes fun of itself.
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I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.
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Hollywood isn’t your cesspool, America. It’s your mirror.
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I feel terrible for a Palestinian child who dies. But, if it’s your father, your brother or your uncle who was firing those rockets into Israel, whose fault is it really? Do you really expect the Israelis not to retaliate?
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I’m for the death penalty, I’m pro-abortion, I’m pro-assisted suicide, I’m pro-regular suicide. Anything that’ll get the traffic moving.
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Things aren’t right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
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The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?
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There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
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When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they’d said or did when they were in office.
BILL MAHER