If you think you have it tough, read history books.
BILL MAHERThe problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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I think what’s dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins.
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If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.
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In Europe, Socialism is just another political party. It just means that government takes over certain things like hospitals, prisons, military and schools that should not be run for profit.
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We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
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When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.
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A new cologne is coming out. It’s for cowboys, and it’s made from cow’s manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
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One of the advantages of atheism is takes so little of your time.
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Religion is detrimental to the progress of society.
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I’m for the death penalty, I’m pro-abortion, I’m pro-assisted suicide, I’m pro-regular suicide. Anything that’ll get the traffic moving.
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Hollywood isn’t your cesspool, America. It’s your mirror.
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I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
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Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average freaky American get some strange object up his ass.
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Religion is insanity by consensus.
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We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It’s overrun with sheep and conformists.
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At some point in the last 20 years, the left moved to the center, and the right moved into a mental institution.
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I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.
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The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.
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Let’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake – you know, to send the right message to kids.
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To those people who say, ‘My father is alive because of animal experimentation,’ I say, ‘Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.’ Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off.
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The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
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I don’t understand why the police are infallible. They remind me a lot of the Catholic Church.
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Men are only as loyal as their options.
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Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
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Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’
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Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.
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There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
BILL MAHER