“The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.”

I guess I wouldn’t believe in anything if it weren’t for my lucky astrology mood watch.

Some people have a way with words, and other people; oh, uh, not have way.

Now let’s repeat the non-conformists’ oath: I promise to be different! I promise to be unique! I promise not to repeat things other people say! Good!

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.

It’s not what you know, it’s what you think you know.

Thankfully, perseverance is a good substitute for talent.

Be so good they can’t ignore you.

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.

How many people have never raised their hand before?

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

When I die, now don’t think that I’m a nut, don’t want no fancy funeral, just one like old King Tut.

I was deeply unhappy, but I didn’t know it because I was so happy all the time.

I’ve got to keep breathing. It’ll be my worst business mistake if I don’t.

With comedy, you never know until you put it in front of an audience. You shoot it and a year later you have no idea if it’s going to work. And then you get the response. It’s great when it’s good.

I have found that– just as in real life–imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.

What greater wound is there than a false friend?

Time is truly the great enemy. It’s not the great healer, it’s the great stealer.

I can’t think of anyone I’ve mistreated. I’ve always thought that I am my brother’s keeper. And I believe there’s a ‘great spirit’ that takes care of all of us.

Our hearts; the greatest revolution.

The great paradox is that our lack of faith in love and miracles is what blocks us from receiving love and miracles.

I’m a very bad student, but a great learner.

In love, Jealousy is the great exaggerator.

Opinions have greater power than strength of hands.