I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
STEVEN WRIGHTIn my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT






