I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
STEVEN WRIGHTIn my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHT