My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHTShin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Clones are people two.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
STEVEN WRIGHT