All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHTShin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT