The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
JOAN RIVERSA Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
JOAN RIVERS