“My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.”

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

Grandparenthood is one of life’s rewards for surviving your own children.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food.

I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

Kids need love the most when they’re acting most unlovable.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It’s too controversial.

Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives.

If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It’s unbridled, its unplanned, it’s full of suprises.

Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation’s compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

I cannot go to bed tonight without a word to you.

I will defend the importance of bedtime stories to my last gasp.

Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn’t matter to me. Going to bed at night saying we’ve done something wonderful, that’s what matters to me.

We must wake up knowing we have work to do and go to bed knowing we’ve done it.

Go to bed early and wake up early. The morning hours are good.

I lay in bed at night crying to myself. The only one who loved me and watched over me was someone I couldn’t see or hear or touch.

Anything that can’t be done in bed isn’t worth doing at all.