The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
JOAN RIVERSWith age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Better laid than never.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
JOAN RIVERS