Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
-
-
A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
JOAN RIVERS -
Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
JOAN RIVERS -
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
JOAN RIVERS -
Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
JOAN RIVERS -
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
JOAN RIVERS -
Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
JOAN RIVERS -
I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
JOAN RIVERS -
Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
JOAN RIVERS -
To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
JOAN RIVERS -
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
JOAN RIVERS -
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
JOAN RIVERS -
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS -
I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
JOAN RIVERS -
One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
JOAN RIVERS -
A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
JOAN RIVERS