On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERSIn life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
JOAN RIVERS