Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
JOAN RIVERSHappiness, at my age, is breathing
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
JOAN RIVERS