“Every puppy should have a boy.”

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.

Pregnancy is the only time in a woman’s life she can help God work a miracle.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.

I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.

Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can’t see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.

There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. “What shall we name the other one?” I smiled. She was not amused.

As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

When you’re lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.

I love dogs. I grew up with dogs in my family from the time that I was a little boy; we always had German Shepherds and Labradors. I get on very well with dogs, they trust me.

Struggle is the father of all things. It is not by the principles of humanity that man lives or is able to preserve himself above the animal world, but solely by means of the most brutal struggle.

Pet a cat when you encounter one on the street.

Vultures are the most righteous of birds: they do not attack even the smallest living creature.

Anyone who believes what a cat tells him deserves all he gets.

I am writing these poems From inside a lion.

The method of learning by trial and error – of learning from our mistakes – seems to be fundamentally the same whether it is practiced by lower or by higher animals, by chimpanzees, or by men of science.

Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training, for it trains people as to how they shall think.