Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
JOAN RIVERSKeep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
JOAN RIVERS






