“Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.”

We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’

You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.

If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you’re aboard, there’s nothing you can do.

I don’t want to be singing Satisfaction when I’m 40.

The truth is I’m getting old, I said. We already are old, she said with a sigh. What happens is that you don’t feel it on the inside, but from the outside everybody can see it.

That which is the wonder of one age is the commonplace of the next.

Minds ripen at very different ages.

It is not a sin to be seventy but it is also no joke.

I didn’t want to go there [America] at 34 years old and for people to say he’s only going for the money. It’s not what I’m going out there to do

Your aging face tells stories of where you’ve been whom you’ve loved.