“If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.”

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

You can’t do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.

There are two impossibilities in life: “just one drink” and “an honest politician.”

People do not expect to find chastity in a whorehouse. Why, then, do they expect to find honesty and humanity in government, a congeries of institutions whose modus operandi consists of lying, cheating, stealing, and if need be, murdering those who resist?

Always remember this: If you don’t attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours.

The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear – fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety.

On one issue, at least, men and women agree. They both distrust women.

A sense of humor always withers in the presence of the messianic delusion, like justice and the truth in front of patriotic passion.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.

Journalism is to politician as dog is to lamp-post.

Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule—and both commonly succeed, and are right.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

The State doesn’t just want you to obey, it wants to make you WANT to obey.

The final test of truth is ridicule. Very few dogmas have ever faced it and survived.

There’s a lot more future in hamburgers than in baseball.

A lot of learned men think people really are the food they’ve eaten.

Preferring to store her money in the stomachs of the needy rather than hide it in a purse.

Speaking of competition in the fast-food industry. This is rat eat rat, dog eat dog. I’ll kill ’em, and I’m going to kill ’em before they kill me.

Render any politician down and there’s enough fat to fry an egg.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?