“Always remember this: If you don’t attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours.”

The central belief of every moron is that he is the victim of a mysterious conspiracy against his common rights and true deserts.

Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.

Evangelical Christianity, as everyone knows, is founded upon hate, as the Christianity of Christ was founded upon love.

After all is said and done, a hell lot of a lot more is said than done.

There are two kinds of Europeans: The smart ones, and those who stayed behind.

It doesn’t take a majority to make a rebellion; it takes only a few determined leaders and a sound cause.

It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.

When somebody says it’s not about the money, it’s about the money.

Don’t overestimate the decency of the human race.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another.

Equality before the law is probably forever unattainable. It is a noble ideal, but it can never be realized, for what men value in this world is not rights but privileges.

On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

Laws are no longer made by a rational process of public discussion; they are made by a process of blackmail and intimidation, and they are executed in the same manner

Morality is doing what is right, no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.

The best teacher is not the one who knows most but the one who is most capable of reducing knowledge to that simple compound of the obvious and wonderful.

Books are certainly old fashioned, but only people with a very limited perception are silly enough to condemn ideas because of their age.

We are who we hang out with. Hang with happy people & live a happy life. That’s a secret I learned at a very young age.

We’re taught at such an early age to be against the communists, yet most of us don’t have the faintest idea what communism is. Only a fool lets somebody else tell him who his enemy is.

The religious persecution of the ages has been done under what was claimed to be the command of God.

Constitution is not a mere lawyers document, it is a vehicle of Life, and its spirit is always the spirit of Age.

Don’t be afraid to love all your broken pieces. They will finally wether with the waters of ages, shrinking into friendly gemlike pebbles that are soft to your soul.

Your timeless self does not age and has no fear of the future. Contemplate your physical self and all its possessions, and practice laughing peacefully at it all.

At my age, there is really only one big surprise left, and I’d just as soon leave it a mystery.