I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t worry about the money. Love the process.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
JOAN RIVERS






