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I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.

Tim Allen

There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.
TIM ALLEN

Beautiful Bride Feeling Greatness Herself
I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.
TIM ALLEN

Audience Easy Hurt Myself Time
I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
TIM ALLEN

Drive Myself Quality Sound
I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
TIM ALLEN

Clarify Funny Memories Myself
Before Kady was born, I didn’t think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.
TIM ALLEN

Born Children Deal Myself Thinking Time
My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
TIM ALLEN

Comedy Gift Intelligence Myself Smart
Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
TIM ALLEN

Appearance Brilliant Funny Head Shower Weird Woman Yourself
Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
TIM ALLEN

Animal Borrow Man Tools
I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
TIM ALLEN

Artist Creativity Design Graphics
The world’s a mean place. It’s unfair, then it’s fair. It’s hateful, then it’s loving. It’s a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.
TIM ALLEN

Hate Level Lover Place Religious World
The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas – where it’s a beautiful theater – is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
TIM ALLEN

Advantage Beautiful Myself Play Reality Show Theatre
Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.
TIM ALLEN

Better Built God Man Prayer Sound Tree Worship
Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
TIM ALLEN

Comedy One Liner Ultimate
I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.
TIM ALLEN

Adult Children Goodness Independent
Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
TIM ALLEN

Funny Golf Lost Missing Play Sports Yourself
In my experience, it’s all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.
TIM ALLEN

Calm Challenge Experience Father Kind Time

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.

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I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.

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Popular Authors

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