Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
TIM ALLENA guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.
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I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.
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If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, let’s be fair, that means you’ve got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you’ve done. It’s okay to say, “God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that.” Then it kind of balances out.
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I’m one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills.
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I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
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I’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.
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My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
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When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.
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Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
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Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
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There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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I do a lot of family shows.
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