To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.
TIM ALLENMen often do things for women that they don’t want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don’t want to do.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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My stepfather stepped in where no man would’ve stepped in – six kids, five of them boys – and that’s heroic.
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In my experience, it’s all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.
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Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
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Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
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I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
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I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
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I have a thing for tools.
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Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
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Real men don’t use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put this together.
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Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
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I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
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When somebody tells you they’re not very smart, they’re saying exactly the opposite.
TIM ALLEN






