I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you’re all right. I don’t have to go to premières.
NORM MACDONALDThe reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.
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When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.
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With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.
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I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.
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Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter’s moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
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The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.
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In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.
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This would have been a great game to watch if we didn’t have any money on it.
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Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.
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Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.
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A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.
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I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
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Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.
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We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.
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He that searches for praise will often find contempt.
NORM MACDONALD