My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERGI was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
-
-
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERG -
I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG -
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
MITCH HEDBERG -
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
MITCH HEDBERG -
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG -
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
MITCH HEDBERG