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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”

Mitch Hedberg

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
MITCH HEDBERG

Eat Funny Humor Lake
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG

Death Fake Funny Plant Sarcastic
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
MITCH HEDBERG

Brother Funny Humor
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Teeth
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
MITCH HEDBERG

Dream Funny Life Sex
On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Mean
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG

Dog Funny Humor
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERG

Drug Funny Humor
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Impossible
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG

Drunk Funny Humor Mess
A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERG

Climate Funny Humor Men
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Jobs
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Funny Laughter
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Music Philosophy
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
MITCH HEDBERG

Appearance Funny Humor Nice
One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Ghost Humor Room

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”

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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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