Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
MITCH HEDBERGA waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
MITCH HEDBERG