I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
MITCH HEDBERGA waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERG






