A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERGA waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
MITCH HEDBERG