Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERGA waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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