I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
MITCH HEDBERGA waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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