“I never thought I was funny. I don’t THINK funny.”

I would rather regret the things that I have done than the things that I have not.

Whether we’re prepared or not, life has a habit of thrusting situations upon us.

I regret the passing of the studio system. I was very appreciative of it because I had no talent.

I hate failure and that divorce was a Number One failure in my eyes. It was the worst period of my life. Neither Desi nor I have been the same since, physically or mentally.

Use a make-up table with everything close at hand and don’t rush; otherwise you’ll look like a patchwork quilt.

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn’t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.

Love yourself first and the rest of your life will fall into place.

In life, all good things come hard, but wisdom is the hardest to come by.

Ability is of little account without opportunity.

It’s a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy.

How I Love Lucy was born? We decided that instead of divorce lawyers profiting from our mistakes, we’d profit from them.

A man who correctly guesses a woman`s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.

I was shy for several years in my early days in Hollywood until I figured out that no one really gave a damn if I was shy or not, and I got over my shyness.

Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.

I’m not funny. What I am is brave.

I am a real ham. I love an audience. I work better with an audience. I am dead, in fact, without one.

Face your problems! Unless your problem is your face.

When I do something stupid with money and lose it, I call that Stupid Tax. I have paid so much Stupid Tax that I am expert.

Remember, the only difference between ‘marital’ and ‘martial’ is where you put the ‘i’.

Funny how being fucked isn’t nearly as pleasing as I remember.

Picasso said that everything is a miracle, that it’s a miracle that we don’t dissolve in our baths.

If I had not some strength of will I would make a first class drunkard.

I make funny videos of me playing video games, and I share those moments.

Wit and humor belong to genius alone.