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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Joan Rivers

I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
JOAN RIVERS

Cook Food Myself
I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
JOAN RIVERS

Better Grief Myself
Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
JOAN RIVERS

Goodness Hands Library Look Men Woman
I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERS

Born Myself Room
My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
JOAN RIVERS

Bond Daughter Family Mom Myself Relationship Talk Yourself
Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
JOAN RIVERS

Adventure Excitement Laughter Moments Travel Worst Yourself
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
JOAN RIVERS

Children Funny Myself Toys
Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
JOAN RIVERS

Age Hard Move Old Target
Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
JOAN RIVERS

Annoy Children Talk Time Yourself
Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
JOAN RIVERS

Enjoyment Philosophy Yourself
Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
JOAN RIVERS

Enough Thankful Yourself
A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
JOAN RIVERS

Dog Funny Study Young
On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
JOAN RIVERS

Daughter Down And Mother
Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
JOAN RIVERS

Forget Herself Movie Remember Role
A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
JOAN RIVERS

Advice Myself Race Run Yourself
My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
JOAN RIVERS

Children Guilty Herself Humor Letter Mother Myself People Sorry

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

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