We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
JOAN RIVERS