A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
JOAN RIVERS






