People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
JOAN RIVERS