Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
JOAN RIVERSI told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERSBefore we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERSA study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
JOAN RIVERSIf two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
JOAN RIVERSI have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
JOAN RIVERSI knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
JOAN RIVERSOn the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERSMy daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
JOAN RIVERSI enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
JOAN RIVERSPeople say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
JOAN RIVERSThe first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
JOAN RIVERSWhy should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERSI got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
JOAN RIVERSWe all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
JOAN RIVERS