I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
JOAN RIVERSWhy should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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Better laid than never.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
JOAN RIVERS