Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
JOAN RIVERSBetter laid than never.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
JOAN RIVERS






