Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
JOAN RIVERSBetter laid than never.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Better laid than never.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
JOAN RIVERS