When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
JOAN RIVERSBetter laid than never.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
JOAN RIVERS