I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
JOAN RIVERSBetter laid than never.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS