I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
JOAN RIVERSWhen you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
JOAN RIVERS