On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERSThe last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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Better laid than never.
JOAN RIVERS