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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.

Joan Rivers

Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
JOAN RIVERS

Enough Thankful Yourself
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Run Smile Time
Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
JOAN RIVERS

Choice Law Wife Woman
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERS

Appearance Funny Myself
You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
JOAN RIVERS

Deep Fun Funny Old Work Yourself
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
JOAN RIVERS

Children Early Memories Myself Parents
I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERS

Born Myself Room
I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Humor Husband Marriage Myself
I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
JOAN RIVERS

Myself Oneself Thankful
Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
JOAN RIVERS

Hard Time Remember Revenge Survive
I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Himself Husband Love Myself
Happiness, at my age, is breathing
JOAN RIVERS

Age Breathe Funny Happiness Inspiration One Liner
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
JOAN RIVERS

Acceptance Funny Luck Old Oneself
When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
JOAN RIVERS

Fools Laughter Yourself
I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
JOAN RIVERS

Cook Food Myself
If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
JOAN RIVERS

Deal Laugh Yourself

The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.

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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.

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Popular Authors

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