My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
EMO PHILIPSYou don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
EMO PHILIPS