My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
EMO PHILIPSYou don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
EMO PHILIPS