My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
EMO PHILIPSYou don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
EMO PHILIPS