Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
EMO PHILIPSIf an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
EMO PHILIPS