The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
EMO PHILIPSIf an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPS