People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
EMO PHILIPSNow there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
EMO PHILIPS