My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
EMO PHILIPSMy classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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