I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
EMO PHILIPSI love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
EMO PHILIPSI was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
EMO PHILIPSI used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
EMO PHILIPSOnce I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
EMO PHILIPSI took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
EMO PHILIPSOne man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPSI’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
EMO PHILIPSI was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
EMO PHILIPSI’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
EMO PHILIPSLord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
EMO PHILIPSI told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
EMO PHILIPSMy girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
EMO PHILIPSA computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
EMO PHILIPSI think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
EMO PHILIPS