“Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.”

Friends come and go but I wouldn’t have thought you’d be one of them.

Don’t feel bad when I die; I’ve been dead for a long time.

I know this will come as a shock to you, Mr. Goldwyn, but in all history, which has held billions and billions of human beings, not a single one ever had a happy ending.

Misfortune, and recited misfortune especially, can be prolonged to the point where it ceases to excite pity and arouses only irritation.

It was written without fear and without research.

This is me apologizing. I am a fool, a bird-brain, a liar and a horse-thief. I wouldn’t touch a superlative again with an umbrella.

What ever beauty may be it has for its basis order and for its essence unity Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Said after she had been seriously ill: The doctors were very brave about it.

There’s life for you. Spend the best years of your life studying penmanship and rhetoric and syntax and Beowulf and George Eliot, and then somebody steals your pencil.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.

I don’t know much about being a millionaire, but I’ll bet I’d be darling at it.

If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.

The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.

I shall never write an autobiography, I’m much too jealous of my privacy for that.

Jealousy is not a barometer by which the depth of love can be read. It merely records the degree of the lover’s insecurity.

Since man is in the likeness of the angels, and they would be jealous of him, for this reason, He consulted them.

A negative judgment gives you more satisfaction than praise, provided it smacks of jealousy.

What makes the pain we feel from shame and jealousy so cutting is that vanity can give us no assistance in bearing them.

The lovesick, the betrayed, and the jealous all smell alike.

Sure, I can get a little bit jealous. The good part about jealousy is that it comes from passion. It’s also the dangerous part and it’s an ugly emotion that hurts.

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.