It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
BILLY CONNOLLYI’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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Try to live in a place you like.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
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When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
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I’m a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world’s a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they’re delightful. They all want so little.
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My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
BILLY CONNOLLY