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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

Billy Connolly

I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Friendship Glasgow Hands Suits
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Afterward Comedy Looks Nuclear
Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it’s like they’re in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Constitution Happiness Revolution Unique Written
Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Objects Running Scissors
People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Around Dies Normal People
[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Arriving Kill Killing MIssed Time
Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
BILLY CONNOLLY

Chocolate Fall Pocket
The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Country Patronishing Region Weather
I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Dog Doors Independent Stuff
A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Balanced Drink Hands Wells
I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Art Doodle People Speak Two
The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don’t care what you think.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Needs People Round Swings Thinking
I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Drinking Ideas Stills Stop
I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Childlike Growing Mean Thinking
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
BILLY CONNOLLY

Funny Humor Jesus
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Become Changing Clothes Life Successful

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

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