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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Billy Connolly

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Arriving Kill Killing MIssed Time
I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Circuit Different Hecklers Syllable Tickets
Without arts programmes there’s only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Art Needs Reality
Don’t work out, work in.
BILLY CONNOLLY

never Out Work
Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Book never People Trust
Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
BILLY CONNOLLY

Balls Enough Father Shout
I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Clubs Comedy Comics Done Eight Weird
Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Gently Looks Sideway Tread
Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
BILLY CONNOLLY

Fire Forests Tree
I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Firsts Guy Minute Movie Stars
The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Country Patronishing Region Weather
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
BILLY CONNOLLY

Funny Humor Sexy
I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Catholic Guilt Levels
I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Dog Doors Independent Stuff
I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Art Doodle People Speak Two
The more you know the less the better.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Better Knows Less More

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

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