I don’t aim to offend.
BILLY CONNOLLYMarriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don’t care what you think.
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
BILLY CONNOLLY