Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
BILLY CONNOLLYMarriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
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I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
BILLY CONNOLLY