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1. black
2. grey
3. blue
4. red
5. brown
6. white

If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.

Billy Connolly

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  Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.

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  In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.

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  It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.

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  [To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.

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  Don’t work out, work in.

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  When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?

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  My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

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  If you give people a chance, they shine.

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  I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.

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  If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.

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  The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.

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• 

  I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.

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  I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.

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  I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.

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  I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.

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  As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.

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