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1. black
2. grey
3. blue
4. red
5. brown
6. white

If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.

Billy Connolly

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More Billy Connolly Quotes

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  There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.

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• 

  Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

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• 

  I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

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• 

  Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.

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• 

  I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.

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• 

  If you give people a chance, they shine.

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• 

  I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.

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• 

  For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.

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• 

  [To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.

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• 

  Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it’s like they’re in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.

  BILLY CONNOLLY
  ConstitutionHappinessRevolutionUniqueWritten
• 

  In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.

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• 

  I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.

  BILLY CONNOLLY
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• 

  I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it’s not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.

  BILLY CONNOLLY
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• 

  People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

  BILLY CONNOLLY
  ArsesChannelPeopleRoomsSearch
• 

  People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.

  BILLY CONNOLLY
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• 

  When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.

  BILLY CONNOLLY
  ActingHellReal