I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
BILLY CONNOLLYIf I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
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The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you’re a zombie. And you’re talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
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The more you know the less the better.
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
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I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
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Outgrew the media… The negativity felt like a disease.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
BILLY CONNOLLY