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1. black
2. grey
3. blue
4. red
5. brown
6. white

If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.

Billy Connolly

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  Well, the film’s not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it’s pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies.

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  Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.

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  A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.

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  Never trust people who’ve only got one book.

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  Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”

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  My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

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  I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.

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  I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.

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  So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

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  Don’t vote, it only encourages them.

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• 

  I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.

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  It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.

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  I’d never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I’ve been learning more about it as I’ve been doing interviews. I

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• 

  There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.

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  I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.

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  Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.

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