“The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.”

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.

Outgrew the media… The negativity felt like a disease.

Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.

Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.

Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.

When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.

I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.

Well, the film’s not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it’s pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies.

I’m one of those people that will walk into a bar, and if I wasn’t a comic – because some people know who I am – I would just blend in.

I am invisible in gay bars.

I like to play in the low 70’s. If it gets any hotter than that I’ll stay in the bar!

Michael Jackson was not an artist who comes along once in a decade, a generation, or a lifetime. He was an artist who comes along only once, period… He raised the bar and then BROKE the bar!

Membership in the bar is a privilege burdened with conditions.

I’m not confident in social situations; just going up to someone in a bar and saying ‘Hi’ is going to be even more difficult because they won’t know the real me. They will just know me as a fictional person I play on the screen.

The less I talk in bars, write emails, express myself in an emotionally lewd way outside of my songwriting, the more I have to do it through my music.

A complacent satisfaction with present knowledge is the chief bar to the pursuit of knowledge.