Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
BILLY CONNOLLYTread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
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The more you know the less the better.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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Don’t work out, work in.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
BILLY CONNOLLY