“I don’t get along with anything, I really don’t…I’m, I’m, maybe I’m just a, you know, incredibly tasteful human being.”

I ascribe to Mark Twain’s theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say ‘Yeah? When?’

People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn’t share with itself.

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. “I believe God created me in one day”. Yeah, looks like He rushed it

I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don’t know, and I feel it’s my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers die every day . . .

I’m tired of this back-slappin’ “isn’t humanity neat” bullshit. We’re a virus with shoes.

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f-kin’ mouth.

It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party.

Mister, I don’t want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don’t even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain’t looking for no trouble, Mister.

What did moths bump into before the electric light bulb was invented? Boy, the lightbulb really screwed the moth up didn’t it? Are there moths on their way to the sun now going, It’s gonna be worth it!.

I’m glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, “My God! I love everything.” Yeah, now if that isn’t a hazard to our country…

What before seemed a…frustrating wall, the comic deftly and fearlessly steps through, proving the absurdity of it all.

Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here’s my message: as scary as the world is – and it is – it is merely a ride …

I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is mankind’s sole purpose on this planet. If you’re wondering what I believe our purpose on this planet is, I’ll give you a hint… it has to do with creating and sharing.

What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves?

Writing, acting, music, comedy. A deep love of literature and books. Thank God for all the artists who’ve helped me.

My mom was very strict. She didn’t let me watch anything rated R or anything with cussing.

I played so long ago, I don’t think anybody even knew you could transfer. I don’t think they knew anything about it.

Export anything to a friendly country except American management.

Being true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the mark of a fake messiah.

As a child, I was aware of the widely-held attitude that the ocean is so big, so resilient that we could use the sea as the ultimate place to dispose of anything.

Like a shipwreck or a jetty, almost anything that forms a structure in the ocean, whether it is natural or artificial over time, collects life.

We certainly don’t want them to do anything that’s going to affect themselves in an adverse way or affect our program, our university, or our team in an adverse way.

If history and science have taught us anything, it is that passion and desire are not the same as truth.