I don’t get along with anything, I really don’t…I’m, I’m, maybe I’m just a, you know, incredibly tasteful human being.
BILL HICKSI got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin’ [puts mic to his neck and speaks as if he had a mechanical larynx] ‘good evening everybody, remember me, smoking’s bad. [puts cigarette to neck and mimics smoking it] Eeww.
More Bill Hicks Quotes
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People are bringing SHOTGUNS to UFO sightings…brings a whole new meaning to that phrase ‘You ain’t from around here, ar’ya?’
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I’ve learned a lot about women. I think I’ve learned exactly how the fall of man occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam said one day, Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with God, we’ll never age.
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Our next Cold War ought to be with ourselves…After all, who poses the biggest danger to the American environment? We do.
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If I thought the Jews killed God, I’d worship the Jews.
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I go to dance clubs…about once a year just to justify the other 364 days I spend in my apartment going ‘God, what idiots!’
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I can’t believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by This Bud is for you.
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Isn’t that weird, we’ve made nature against the law. That’s how un-natural we’ve become.
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While I’ve found many of the religious shows I’ve viewed over the years not to be to my liking, or in line with my own beliefs, I’ve never considered it my place to exert any greater type of censorship than changing the channel, or better yet – turning off the TV completely.
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The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions
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Mister, I don’t want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don’t even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain’t looking for no trouble, Mister.
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But where did this veneration of childbirth come from? I missed that meeting. Childbirth is wonderful, childbirth is a miracle. Wrong. It’s no more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out your ass.
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I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night.
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The Voice of Reason is in us all…and everyone can recognize it because it makes sense and everyone benefits from it equally.
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The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one.
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I used to drink, I did, I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I’d get pulled over by the cops, I’d be so drunk I’d be out dancing to their lights thinking I’d made it to another club.
BILL HICKS