My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALLYou could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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You can’t climb a tile wall.
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I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
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God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma’am! Those’ll work.
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Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
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You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
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He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”
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I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.
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My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here’s your sign.
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Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
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I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.
BILL ENGVALL