I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
BILL ENGVALLThis guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
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Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
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You can’t climb a tile wall.
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A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
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I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
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I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn’t help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here’s your sign!
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I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.
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Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
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I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I’m superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here’s your sign!
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When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
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Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!
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And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.
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You can’t even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.
BILL ENGVALL