I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
BILL ENGVALLThis guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
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God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.
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My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.
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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
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A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
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A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
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To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
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I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.
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Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
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I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!
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When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
BILL ENGVALL