I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn’t aware of my destiny.
BILL ENGVALLThis guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.
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The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
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This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.
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Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
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I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.
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I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn’t help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here’s your sign!
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I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.
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It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
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I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
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When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
BILL ENGVALL






