I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
BILL BAILEYThree women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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I tend to go through periods worrying, “Where am I going, I can’t see a way out of this,” and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that’s undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
BILL BAILEY







