Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
BILL BAILEYThree women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that’s undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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This shed does not contain me.
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Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
BILL BAILEY