It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
BILL BAILEYThree women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’
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Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
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If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that’s undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
BILL BAILEY