At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
BILL BAILEYThree women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
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The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’
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Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
BILL BAILEY