Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
BILL BAILEYTelevision is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you’ve got to admire the workmanship.
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
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My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’
BILL BAILEY