“There is nothing so good as a burial at sea. It is simple, tidy, and not very incriminating.”

I’m frightened of eggs, worse than frightened, they revolt me.

Even my failures make money and become classics a year after I make them.

Self-plagiarism is style.

Some of our most exquisite murders have been domestic, performed with tenderness in simple, homey places like the kitchen table.

I always try to look at things as though I were remembering them three years later.

A good film is when the price of the dinner, the theatre admission and the babysitter were worth it.

All love scenes started on the set are continued in the dressing room.

Conversation is the enemy of good wine and food.

When you can look forward, and the road is clear ahead, and now you are going to create something – that’s as happy as I’d want to be.

Everything’s perverted in a different way.

I’ve become a body of films, not a man, I am all those films.

Someone once told me that every minute a murder occurs, so I don’t want to waste your time, I know you want to go back to work.

Television is like the American toaster, you push the button and the same thing pops up everytime.

We seem to have a compulsion these days to bury time capsules in order to give those people living in the next century or so some idea of what we are like.

If I won’t be myself, who will?

Cary Grant is the only actor I ever loved in my whole life.

Anyone who is funny and doesn’t take herself to seriously is attractive to me

Retirement is not in my vocabulary. They aren’t going to get rid of me that way.

Funny how it kept hitting me, like each new thing was a surprise. When was I going to stop being surprised?

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Ninety percent of people support background checks. Which means even people who can’t pass a background check support background checks.

I enjoy making people laugh. The trick is to tell them jokes against yourself. If you praise yourself, your stories aren’t funny.

I was in a movie for five minutes where I play tennis and I was given five tennis lessons for free. I never had a tennis lesson. I was like, that’s awesome! When else would I have taken up tennis?