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No one wants to hear about how awesome you were; people want to hear about the time you blew it.

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Awesome Blew Hear Need People Thinking Time Want

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

I love it when I come across a word I don’t know. And I would never treat my audience like they weren’t smart enough to come along with me.
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Across Audience Come Enough Know Smart Treat Word
I always wanted to be as busy as possible so that if one job went away I’d still have plenty of other things to do.
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Away Busy Job Other Plenty Possible Thing Want Went
When I get old and slow down I want to look behind me and see all the fire and the wreckage and no stone left unturned.
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Behind Fire Look Old Slow Sown Stone Want
I spent most of my seventh grade summer dehydrated, green-tongued, and smelling like a Malaysian whorehouse.
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Country Dehydrate Grade Green Most Seventh Smelling Spent Summer
I’m black, and black don’t crack. It does droop.
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Black Crack Doe Droop
Omnipresence can be a good or bad thing, I suppose. I don’t want to spend a lot of time thinking about it. I’m super-grateful.
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Bad Good Grateful Omnipresence Suppose Thing Thinking Want
I don’t want to be pandered to, so I try not to pander.
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Pander So Try Want
I’ve just got to be myself and hopefully people will find me. And my audience did find me.
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Audience Find Hopefully Myself People
I think I was only attracted to drunken douches before I got married.
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Attract Before Douch Drunken Married Thinking
I’m just going to be the best version of me that I could possibly be and be as funny as I possibly can.
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Being Best Find Funny Going People Possibly Version
I don’t want to be pandered to, so I try not to pander.
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Pander Time Trying Want
Real sacrifice. Real disappointment. Real failure. And it requires the ability to scrape your sorry ass up off the floor, stumble to your feet.
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Ability Ass Disappointment Feet Floor Real Sacrifice Scrape Sorry Stumble
I don’t know if I was always an open person, but I think stand-up comics specifically have this way of running towards embarrassing things.
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Always Embarrassing Open People Person Running Specially Thing Thinking Toward
So what I would say to other people is to just embrace who you are because you will become instantly happier.
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Embrace Happier Instant Other People Say
If you ever needed to ruin someone’s fun, I mean really poop a party, just move things to the workplace. Fun terminated.
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Move Need Poop Ruin Someone Terminate Thing Workplace
On general principle, I boycott shows that don’t employ actors.
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Actor Boycott Employ General Principle Show

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